I really enjoyed reading this. I have been traveling Europe for the past 6 months but am from the middle of the United States. I have fallen in love with Europe for sure but I miss the States dearly somedays. I miss the smiles, the waves, kindness, and people’s hopefulness (even if our country feels like it’s collapsing). I have realized that there is no perfect place to live or a perfect society. I think certain countries in Europe and both the United States get romanticized a lot but each place has its own set of problems and yes- some are bigger than others.
Thank you for reading. Glad you managed a good long stay in Europe. I agree that there is no paradise. We are all scrambling to get in the best position possible ahead of what looks like a democratic collapse. I am always saying that I didn’t leave the U.S. because I didn’t like it. I left because I felt I had to. So sad.
Such an interesting post- it can be difficult to see the good in places that have so many problems. I really enjoy reading your blog and am looking forward to reading your next article.
Oh totally, people in the U.S. are living in carefully curated bubbles and that's the problem. Nothing touches them until it does. Until something penetrates the bubble. And it's getting harder and harder to avoid the penetration, so they work harder and harder to maintain the illusion. Self-isolation and retreat from spaces that might lead to penetration is the biggest thing I'm witnessing from afar. It's the opposite of what people need to be doing.
I can barely stand to witness how many people I know back in the U.S. continue to willfully keep their blinders on. They plug their ears and squeeze their eyes shut at anything that might lead to cognitive dissonance. Almost no one sees the bigger picture or connects the dots when they do have some little taste of distress. They avoid talking to me, or when they do talk to me they tune out whatever I say that's threatening of the worldview they've constructed to feel safe and redirect to whatever mundane little thing is happening in their world. I even sense that some of them reach out to me in the hopes I will give them reassurance that everything is fine, and when they don't get their optimism validated, they ghost me.
From a sociological perspective, it's rather fascinating to witness in real time what 1930s Germany must have been like, but it's also infuriating and terrifying.
Sadness is a valid response to this. It IS sad. Germans who were asked after WWII what it was like often said how surprising it was when the Nazis took over. In 1939, most of them didn't see it coming. But there were people who saw it coming and had been sounding the alarm for years leading up to it. The ones who weren't surprised were the ones already feeling threatened in the lead up to concentration camps. The ones no one wanted to listen to. Queer and transnpeople, Jewish people, etc. They were canaries in the coal mine, singing their warning song, and the Germans who wanted to "feel" safe plugged their ears until it was too late.
This is why I left. The thing I feared most wasn't the Christian Nationalists and fascists themselves, it was that we know from history how ordinary people turn their backs on the vulnerable. They don't want to see you get taken away. Better to just close your eyes and pretend everything is fine.
“I missed the spirit of generosity that America had”… I would say it is a very shallow generosity if you are talking about smiles walking down the street.
In some cases people who will smile to your face while plotting to make your existence hell if you’re not heterosexual and white.
Unfortunately the runaway capitalism, over-consumption, and a very close approximation of oligarchy in the US is dangerous to the rest of the world.
Your family is in fortunate circumstances, many formerly middle class families no longer are. Compare the number of homeless in either Austin or Houston to your entire European country.
Speaking as an American, one school shooting takes every part of that away. All of it.
Your kids have a much better chance of making it to adulthood.
I have been looking through countries that would take me. I am going to sleep at night only when I am exhausted. I wake up unrested and frightened. I am worried. I believe we will make it through this time, but what if we don't. What if I'm trying to find a place to go? I will not find it. I'm not seen as a good bet for immigrating. So either way I'm stuck. They will do away with my medical care. They will do away with the tiny stipend I get that is 25% under the poverty level. And then what? A cardboard sign that says "please help, retired nurse" on it? Oh, but they've made homelessness a crime that can be prosecuted if a state wishes.
I have literally spent time imagining myself being locked up in a prison for various things about me. Maybe even my social media footprint. It is bravery to write this to you. I have spent time imagining many, many terrible things.
Is that really what you want for them? You did a great thing. They are luckier than they know.
Thank you for reading. I am so very sorry you are going through this struggle. I have never understood why such a wealthy country is so cruel to those in need. I hope things improve for you.
Such a beautiful and vulnerable reflection about your experience. I don't yet have kids myself but am filled with wonder about what it must be like to live unexpected moments like this that continually challenge the way you think and serve as a catalyst for further self-reflection and self-exploration. I admire you following your intuition in moving your family abroad. Even if your children now feel a loss about what could have been in the US, I think the larger picture of the value of them having had different experiences will allow them to better make decisions about the life they want in adulthood. It's a beautiful opportunity you've given them to make an informed choice instead of living blindly in a bubble without knowing anything different. And I love how you are honoring their journey!
Thank you for writing such an insightful and poignant essay. Fellow Nordic-living American here, no kids myself, but it's easy for me to imagine how seductive the US might seem to them. But I bet it would be more fling than LTR, once their field of vision expands beyond the lake house and burritos. I think one of the things that makes substantive change so difficult in the US is that so many Americans literally cannot imagine an alternative that works. You've given your kids firsthand knowledge of one that does. I bet you can trust that will, eventually, serve them in good stead.
I really really enjoyed reading this. Although slightly different, I exchanged the UK for Bosnia and Herzegovina. There is no paradise for sure. Home is where you feel safe. Bests,
Thank you for reading. I hope all goes well for you. I lived in Budapest for the whole of the Bosnian War and I remember the terrible stories that reached our ears. It is a healing thought that Bosnia is now a place where you can feel safe.
Thanks Laura. This country is at peace now. Life is not ideal and still dysfunctional, but I do think a longterm positive future is still being built, some 30 years after those chaotic days.
I just read that Sweden now has paid parental leave for GRANDparents, too?! Meanwhile, U.S. couldn't even get universal UNpaid parental leave for both parents. So, please don't doubt yourself. You made the right call. Your kids will eventually appreciate it.
Mine are grown up now, and my oldest held a grudge against me into their late teens for moving us from Chicago to Washington State, which stung because I was doing what I knew was best for us, but when they got older, they realized I did the right thing. Our kids need parents for a reason. We know more than they do by virtue of having more experience and awareness, so they rely on us to make big decisions in their best interests until they are old enough to make their own.
Thank you for this. It is hard! They really bloomed in the schools here. And I figure if nothing else, they now have the knowledge of how things work in a functioning country. They can choose to live elsewhere, but it’s still in their heads.
As a European I am still enthralled by the idea of the US despite a lot of Americans (as here in the comments) being quite vocal and negative about its recent state. But like you said, you gave your kids the blessing of two very valuable passports. They can always go, realize their mistake, and come back, right?
That's right. And I'm still enthralled, too, by America (or its promise, at least, however tarnished it is at the moment). But the kids' infatuation hit me like a punch in the gut! And it's telling me that I obviously have more stuff to think through!
Pardon my dark humor, but if you look on the bright side, you don't really have to worry about your kids rejecting Sweden for the U.S. Pretty soon, there won't be much of a "United" States left for them to return to and I think they'll eventually be very glad you spared them living through the collapse.
I agree, but it was a very real one. And your comment makes me wonder if this in iself isn't the whole problem. Entire swathes of the population have no idea that healthcare doesn't work, for instance, or that housing and childcare and tuition are impossible for normal people now. You can go a whole lifetime and never look outside the bubble.
I really enjoyed reading this. I have been traveling Europe for the past 6 months but am from the middle of the United States. I have fallen in love with Europe for sure but I miss the States dearly somedays. I miss the smiles, the waves, kindness, and people’s hopefulness (even if our country feels like it’s collapsing). I have realized that there is no perfect place to live or a perfect society. I think certain countries in Europe and both the United States get romanticized a lot but each place has its own set of problems and yes- some are bigger than others.
Thank you for reading. Glad you managed a good long stay in Europe. I agree that there is no paradise. We are all scrambling to get in the best position possible ahead of what looks like a democratic collapse. I am always saying that I didn’t leave the U.S. because I didn’t like it. I left because I felt I had to. So sad.
Such an interesting post- it can be difficult to see the good in places that have so many problems. I really enjoy reading your blog and am looking forward to reading your next article.
Thank you so much!
Oh totally, people in the U.S. are living in carefully curated bubbles and that's the problem. Nothing touches them until it does. Until something penetrates the bubble. And it's getting harder and harder to avoid the penetration, so they work harder and harder to maintain the illusion. Self-isolation and retreat from spaces that might lead to penetration is the biggest thing I'm witnessing from afar. It's the opposite of what people need to be doing.
I can barely stand to witness how many people I know back in the U.S. continue to willfully keep their blinders on. They plug their ears and squeeze their eyes shut at anything that might lead to cognitive dissonance. Almost no one sees the bigger picture or connects the dots when they do have some little taste of distress. They avoid talking to me, or when they do talk to me they tune out whatever I say that's threatening of the worldview they've constructed to feel safe and redirect to whatever mundane little thing is happening in their world. I even sense that some of them reach out to me in the hopes I will give them reassurance that everything is fine, and when they don't get their optimism validated, they ghost me.
From a sociological perspective, it's rather fascinating to witness in real time what 1930s Germany must have been like, but it's also infuriating and terrifying.
It makes me so sad to read this.
Sadness is a valid response to this. It IS sad. Germans who were asked after WWII what it was like often said how surprising it was when the Nazis took over. In 1939, most of them didn't see it coming. But there were people who saw it coming and had been sounding the alarm for years leading up to it. The ones who weren't surprised were the ones already feeling threatened in the lead up to concentration camps. The ones no one wanted to listen to. Queer and transnpeople, Jewish people, etc. They were canaries in the coal mine, singing their warning song, and the Germans who wanted to "feel" safe plugged their ears until it was too late.
This is why I left. The thing I feared most wasn't the Christian Nationalists and fascists themselves, it was that we know from history how ordinary people turn their backs on the vulnerable. They don't want to see you get taken away. Better to just close your eyes and pretend everything is fine.
Correcting an error above since I can't edit the comment, but it should read 1933, not 1939. Also, while I'm at it... *trans people
“I missed the spirit of generosity that America had”… I would say it is a very shallow generosity if you are talking about smiles walking down the street.
In some cases people who will smile to your face while plotting to make your existence hell if you’re not heterosexual and white.
Unfortunately the runaway capitalism, over-consumption, and a very close approximation of oligarchy in the US is dangerous to the rest of the world.
Your family is in fortunate circumstances, many formerly middle class families no longer are. Compare the number of homeless in either Austin or Houston to your entire European country.
You make a fair point. I felt that America was in a serious decline, but the kids were seeing this sanatized paradise.
Your kids went to Disneyland, not America.
Speaking as an American, one school shooting takes every part of that away. All of it.
Your kids have a much better chance of making it to adulthood.
I have been looking through countries that would take me. I am going to sleep at night only when I am exhausted. I wake up unrested and frightened. I am worried. I believe we will make it through this time, but what if we don't. What if I'm trying to find a place to go? I will not find it. I'm not seen as a good bet for immigrating. So either way I'm stuck. They will do away with my medical care. They will do away with the tiny stipend I get that is 25% under the poverty level. And then what? A cardboard sign that says "please help, retired nurse" on it? Oh, but they've made homelessness a crime that can be prosecuted if a state wishes.
I have literally spent time imagining myself being locked up in a prison for various things about me. Maybe even my social media footprint. It is bravery to write this to you. I have spent time imagining many, many terrible things.
Is that really what you want for them? You did a great thing. They are luckier than they know.
Thank you for reading. I am so very sorry you are going through this struggle. I have never understood why such a wealthy country is so cruel to those in need. I hope things improve for you.
Such a beautiful and vulnerable reflection about your experience. I don't yet have kids myself but am filled with wonder about what it must be like to live unexpected moments like this that continually challenge the way you think and serve as a catalyst for further self-reflection and self-exploration. I admire you following your intuition in moving your family abroad. Even if your children now feel a loss about what could have been in the US, I think the larger picture of the value of them having had different experiences will allow them to better make decisions about the life they want in adulthood. It's a beautiful opportunity you've given them to make an informed choice instead of living blindly in a bubble without knowing anything different. And I love how you are honoring their journey!
Thank you so much. Here’s to the mystery of mothering! You never know if you’re doing the right thing, so you have to go by instinct.
Thank you for writing such an insightful and poignant essay. Fellow Nordic-living American here, no kids myself, but it's easy for me to imagine how seductive the US might seem to them. But I bet it would be more fling than LTR, once their field of vision expands beyond the lake house and burritos. I think one of the things that makes substantive change so difficult in the US is that so many Americans literally cannot imagine an alternative that works. You've given your kids firsthand knowledge of one that does. I bet you can trust that will, eventually, serve them in good stead.
Yes! It's a fling! This is the perfect descriptor -- thank you! I'm curious where you ended up -- will take a look at your Stack. Thanks for reading!
I'm in Copenhagen. Thank you right back!
I really really enjoyed reading this. Although slightly different, I exchanged the UK for Bosnia and Herzegovina. There is no paradise for sure. Home is where you feel safe. Bests,
Thank you for reading. I hope all goes well for you. I lived in Budapest for the whole of the Bosnian War and I remember the terrible stories that reached our ears. It is a healing thought that Bosnia is now a place where you can feel safe.
Thanks Laura. This country is at peace now. Life is not ideal and still dysfunctional, but I do think a longterm positive future is still being built, some 30 years after those chaotic days.
I just read that Sweden now has paid parental leave for GRANDparents, too?! Meanwhile, U.S. couldn't even get universal UNpaid parental leave for both parents. So, please don't doubt yourself. You made the right call. Your kids will eventually appreciate it.
Mine are grown up now, and my oldest held a grudge against me into their late teens for moving us from Chicago to Washington State, which stung because I was doing what I knew was best for us, but when they got older, they realized I did the right thing. Our kids need parents for a reason. We know more than they do by virtue of having more experience and awareness, so they rely on us to make big decisions in their best interests until they are old enough to make their own.
Parenting is hard!
Thank you for this. It is hard! They really bloomed in the schools here. And I figure if nothing else, they now have the knowledge of how things work in a functioning country. They can choose to live elsewhere, but it’s still in their heads.
Consumerism is the disease of consumption. No one owes you anything, as 'merica is about to find out.
As a European I am still enthralled by the idea of the US despite a lot of Americans (as here in the comments) being quite vocal and negative about its recent state. But like you said, you gave your kids the blessing of two very valuable passports. They can always go, realize their mistake, and come back, right?
That's right. And I'm still enthralled, too, by America (or its promise, at least, however tarnished it is at the moment). But the kids' infatuation hit me like a punch in the gut! And it's telling me that I obviously have more stuff to think through!
Pardon my dark humor, but if you look on the bright side, you don't really have to worry about your kids rejecting Sweden for the U.S. Pretty soon, there won't be much of a "United" States left for them to return to and I think they'll eventually be very glad you spared them living through the collapse.
In short, your kids fell in love with a fairy tale, a mirage, a Potempkin Village.
I agree, but it was a very real one. And your comment makes me wonder if this in iself isn't the whole problem. Entire swathes of the population have no idea that healthcare doesn't work, for instance, or that housing and childcare and tuition are impossible for normal people now. You can go a whole lifetime and never look outside the bubble.